Parents who mourn their empty nests

For all of you going off to University, take a moment to think of your parents..........This is one mother's feelings

As I enter the house I can feel the emptiness. No music blasting out, no shoes to trip over, no one to say "hi" as I come in. It is difficult to believe that this is how it is going to be. My daughters, who have been the focus of my life for the past 18 years, are no longer here.

Everywhere is so untouched, the phone hardly rings and the quiet is chilling. Nothing seems the same - even the cats are wandering around the house in search of company. Sitting down to Sunday dinner, which has previously been a family affair, was more depressing than I could have imagined.

This is just the rehearsal. A two week trial;. For them, or us. I am not sure. They will be back from their holiday, but this time next week they will both have started new lives in two different universities, leaving us home alone.

As thousands of students take up their places at universities and colleges next month, they leave in their wake many parents, like myself- depressed and traumatised at their departure. For some the departure of unruly and difficult offspring will be a relief: for others it represents a significant milestone in their role as parents. While parenting and ante-natal classes can help to prepare for the arrival of a child, nothing can prepare parents for that child leaving home.

While siblings may be pleased to see an older brother or sister leave home so that they can gain access to a coveted room or possession, the effect on parents is far less positive. For parents of several children the parting from the first may be offset by the fact that there are others to be cared for. There is no such distraction for parents of a an only child. One of my friends told me that when she and her husband took their only child,, a son to university for the first time, they had to stop in a lay-by on the way home to sob into each other's arms.

While many people may dismiss the notion of empty nest syndrome, those who have been through it understand the far-reaching consequences. When the last or only child leaves home, parents have to learn to be a couple again. After years of concentrating on their children they suddenly find themselves thrown together in much the same way as when one of the parents retires. Relate, the marriage guidance service, has noted that is is at this stage that many relationships break down.

It would be wrong to assume that mothers have the monopoloy on the empty nest syndrome, fathers feel the absence of their offspring just as keenly. The problem is that men are not so conscious of that it is doing to their relationship with their partners. At this stage in their lives many men may be changing direction, slowing down, facing unemployment or other major changes. The sudden moving away of their children may clash with these life events, causing depression, alcoholism and the breakdown of their relationship. While they may bury themselves in their work or play more sport to mask their senses of loss, their partners are left home alone.

For many mothers who have been the chief carers, the sudden departure of the teenager affects them on a more practical level. The quietness and solitude, the lack of washing and ironing, the absence of hungry beings to fee, make he loneliness more palpable. Many women in the 45 plus range (the age group most affected by children leaving home) who have not been career orientated will experience feelings of depression, loss and redundance because they are no longer needed.

Career women, as well as non working mothers, suffer equally the emptiness of children leaving home. The dean of the university where I worked shared her feelings of loss and loneliness with me when her last child went to college. We joked about going around the supermarkets with our trolleys half full, not knowing what to buy, unable to downsize our grocery list to accommodate two people instead of four or five. Even though her children had left home in a more staggered pattern, the effect was just as great when her youngest left.

Perhaps one of the chief ways of dealing with this condition is recognising that it exists. Lucy Selleck, a counsellor and a spokeswoman for Relate, explains the important of acknowledging the situation. "This period in a couple's life can be one of the most eventful" she says. "One of the problems is that many people do not recognise that children leaving home is a major change that can subsequently affect their relationship."

Mothers may have relied on children to keep them going. Filling the gap, once they have gone, becomes more and more difficult. While they may be looking to their partners for support, their partners may be equally miserable and unable to give it.

Individuals need to take responsibility for their relationship and not look to each other to make themselves feel better. The perception of emptiness and sadness on to the relationship makes it even more difficult to communicate and come to terms with such a fundamental change. The consequences can have far-reaching effects such as depression, alcoholism and even erectile dysfunction"

One of the paradoxes of being "home alone" is that no sooner have parents got used to ti than students come home for a weekend. While this is undoubtedly welcomed, the father hay have got used to having the monopoly on his partner's affections. Once the chicks come home he is thrown out of the nest or at least relegated to the edge. Accommodating part time parenting is an additional factor that affects the balance of group dynamics within the home and has far-reaching consequence.

"Couples should look on the period without their children as an opportunity for the self" says Selleck. "having spent so many years caring for and nurturing their offspring, they should so something for themselves - plan trips away, take up new activities".

It is important, she says, for couples to start doing something new while their children are still at home to make the adjustment easier once they leave.

Everyone tells me that it passes, that you get used to it. You spend the first few weeks stricken by the loss, the following few coming to terms with it and building a new life and the remaining time wondering how you coped with all the chores before. When the come home you find yourself waiting for them to go back. I can't quite imagine that but perhaps by next year I will have arrived at that stage where I can enjoy my free time.

But for the moment, I am still moping around the house wondering what on earth I am going to do.

Written by Jennifer Turnbull